The Increasing Depth of Indian Pockets

I was sipping chai in my balcony as I saw it rain like crazy outside. I mean CRAZY. I was almost reminded of the scenes in “the day after tomorrow” as i looked on and silently wondered if I am actually one of those who are witnessing the beginning of the end. And then, right there, the thought gave me a sinking feeling. I wasn’t even rich enough to build myself a tunnel to survive Armageddon or something. And there were so many out there who would just silently whisk away to safety when shit actually happens.

True. Indians have got very rich over the past few years in particular. I mean.. that is something I was thinking about a few days back when a few cricketers were accused of spot fixing and arrested. Details had come out stating bookies had paid 60 lakhs to Sreesanth for giving away 14 runs in a specified over. I mean that is plain ridiculous man! The logic confounded me. I wondered if the money was being wasted to give only 14 runs and no more or at least 14 runs. I use the word waste because either ways it’s a waste if you think about it. Sreesanth is magnificently incapable of bowling an over without conceding  at least 14 runs in a 20 over spread and that makes him, if not more incapable, at least equally incapable of assuring that he doesn’t get molested for more than 14 in a over. So either ways, it’s a waste. And this is no rocket science. You need not even be aware of his bowling prowess, or the lack of it. You can only see him and understand this blatant fact of life. So why would somebody give him 60 lakhs, still a fortune for ppl like me, for something that he is either obviously going to do or obviously not. I mean you give 14 lakhs to Steyn for giving away at least 14 runs and it will be an over to watch or you give Malinga 60 lakhs to ensure that nothing more than 14 runs in an over and even that will be interesting if the batsman is someone credible. Not like this. This is why, i guess, spot fixing is a crime! Otherwise, for all I care, somebody bowled an over and got his ass whopped. How does it matter to me if it was deliberate or genuine talent. It’s not like I am going to get inspired by this shit called T20 and take to playing cricket at the highest level. Just like I don’t  care if an actress actually enjoyed it or faked it in any movie. Its entertainment and you take it the way it comes. If you idolise somebody who is getting his idolism by becoming a hero at the expense of people who sell their talent on the field, that’s your problem, not mine.

Coming back to the point of being stupid and wasting money. Funny. The only logic in this for someone like me is that people are paying money just for the thrill of paying that money and be involved in something financially obnoxious, thus stepping into the league of big money players in the Indian market. And that, to me, is depressing. Not because he is doing it, but because I cannot do it . Because somewhere deep within, I think that I may be a better bookie, if I knew the tricks of the trade. Only because I understand what someone like Sree can and cannot do. But all I can do about it is watch this rain pour and sip on my chai that’s already gone cold.

Capitalism Divides ... Mayday unites

Well..
The topic really has nothing to with the following. Its just something that i came across today and m still wondering if its worth wondering about. i hope to read this in a few months/years time and be in a better postion to write something meaningful abt this. cos right now, i am not sure if its true. anyway...

Leaves of grass:

In poetry, there is neither rhyme nor meter
absolutely free verse.
Just whatever u feel inside
coming out in its own intricate rhythm
Pure, unshamed passion
without definable restiction
U, basically, almost always, make your own rules.
so, then, who makes the rules?
all of us are always moving toward the truth
and when we think that we have it figured out
then, after that, whats left?

Enough said.

Isnt it?

sometimes .. especially when you are stoned .. academia seems so off the point and philosophy seems so quite the thing you would just want to do and better things for yourself and others. but then thats not how it ever works. 

If just thought and logic made money in this world, there would be no room for the fools, would there?

there is room for all.

there is no room for none,

maybe the topic does make sense.

or does it?

Entering the dread of monotony

m so bored that i have visited this long forgotten page of mine.
m so bored that now i dont even know what to write.
m so bored.. because my life is becoming monotonous.
I think i should visit pushkar.
anyway .. i got myself insured a couple of weeks back. its kind of expensive to get urself insured. all the time i was talking to my agent about the insurance and how much i would have to shell out, i kept thinking, "dude, Jenny lopez got her ass insured! for fuk's sake, atleast get ur SELF insured. be a man!"
after i had signed the papers and signed the first of many to come cheques(unless, of course, i die soon), i quickly googled and found out that my life is not half as valuable as Jlo's butt.
well.. Jlo's asses might not be boring like my present life. that's y i guess they got insured so heavily. i bet Casper the Smart knows first hand!
but, come tomorrow, i will not enter the dread of monotony! today, being the tam new year, let me call this my new year's resolution. \m/
ok. now m bored AND sleepy.
good night.

Pehchaan Kaun

The little things in life still remain the most cherished.
Last night a few of us started playing a random game of pehchaan kaun on facebook. The concept was simple – make a combination of two or more pics that when put together and decoded would sound similar or name one of our friends. There was no rocket science behind it – not even photoshop, cos then ppl like me would have backed out. Plain and simple ms-paint did the trick. It caught like wildfire among our friends group. One creative bitch called vashisht started it… and the less fortunate ones joined but made the most of it. As crappy as it may sound, it was! All of us were loaded with projects, presentations, exams looming and the baap of all causes of nervous breakdowns – placements! Pehchaan kaun was the perfect unadulterated foil for such a situation in order to waste whatever little time we had. I was just telling a friend that I had no time at all to study all that was required of me when the game started.
It was almost like a fastest finger first competition. As soon as u uploaded a pehchaan kaun pic on ur wall, there would be 3-4 people commenting with answers , guessing the name of the person the pic represented and it would be followed by a plethora of funny remarks, sad ass comments and pj’s. my roomie was so into it that he cracked one pehchaan kaun while he was taking a pee and came running from the toilet screaming, “ I GOT THE ANSWER!!!”. He wanted to be the first to comment with the right answer, so much so that he probably pre-empted his excretory activities. Vdl was cribbing about in the statuses that she was not able to get any of the answers first up. So one of the cases when she did manage to crack the pic when no one else had, she happily commented saying, “yaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, finallllllllllllllly I got the answer first!!”. When she did manage to post it, there were 5 others who had posted the answers... all while she was typing, in a matter of seconds!! Guess the plethora of l’s and y’s din’t work out too well for her  people kept making funny remarks and blunders throughout that made the deal even more hilarious all the way. There was probably a total count of around 200 statuses and 15 pics that happened in pehchaan kaun.
Anyway, the thing started at around 1 and by the time we realized that there are probably better things to do in life .. like sleep… it was around 4:30. So that was all there was to pehchaan kaun. A small, simple and random game started even more simply and randomly, but something that all of us who played it last night will remember for the rest of our lives.
Small things… like I said … are most cherished.

a few days before CAT

ok.. its been two years or so n i found this write up on my comp.. saved in some random prog files folder! here goes:


Hello everyone…. Good afternoon and how are you? Hold on a sec… ok yeah. I was just kinda forhetting what I wanted to talj abuoy today. My frend tel me that I an drunk, but I really am not, iys just that I had a ,, no twoooo, ok four or maybe I don know … woteva it s, my gracious souls tell me that u r drunk only if u fell drunk and not if ppl say so. Its very dificclt to gauhe t u know. :0 but I sewar I am srunk.
Anyways, it’s the final week and ppl are tense arnd me so am i. the only difference is they are tends cos CAT is comin uo this Sundaym, and I am tensed cos I have run out of vokda. I fukd up the last mockcat thay I took day before tom on sundau and now I feel I am ready for th main one, cos if u see my record, its like a sine curve. One bad then one good, then another bad and then god snf good good boy nyself.. ryt? Oh manQ I am really going to hell!
One so called @pep-talker* came up and said that we shud stop learning new things this last week and condentrace on our strnghts and whoteva we have learnt till now since this hs my last week toward freedom.. not the 1947 one  u got that one ryt>*^$$.. wr the fuk is the question mark!!.. ? yeah, ok.. u got yhat one ryt? so I figtrd out thst I am basically free this week if I go by the peppers view and so I liked his opinion(nd I like his name now,, pepper, hehe). Only concentrate on ur strenthgd and thts shudb enuf to get u thru. So here I am .. ok here I was.. drinking and following his advise(advice), but now its over andi am telling u ,, hey what did I want to say to u? ho;d on…
Whay did I tell u till now? Wait.. let me read thru. Heey.. the spell check aint not working, haha that s funny.
Many ppl were on leave at work today, excluding me. Ppl are concentrating on their strengths now I thikn.  wen the managers bunkdurint the last week, u feel they are also planning to take the test. But y wud a manager take the cat, let me know if u get an answer to that. Kills me.
Ok.. I know withut the slepp chek, u will habe difficulti inn reading the aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaRC given above. Sorry I just presed the “a” a bit too much, delete it,
But don struggle, just leave it, I ll read it tom nd rectify the eroor that I ahv made while typing. Actually thre is no lite and I canr see properly. Really!! I think I shu go thebed.
So loooong then.. good morning.. bey… hey heye that was for tom morning. I am npt drunk. I told ya, bye.

another boring mktng class

I was in Gera’a class today. Don’t know which subject. Something to do with marketing. Was attending classes after quite a bit and have decided that I will bog whatever I remember from the classes I attend from now on. It is really frustrating to not remember some of the stuff that I want to remember from classes and when I want to pen them down, the backbencher in me says, “hello! Are u really taking notes?”. It actually not notes, but just weird thoughts that cross my mind when I am in class and if I am attentive to the shit that happens.
Anyway … so today it all started with Saggi’s group giving a presentation on the Suzuki Samurai. The man started of himself, taking ownership, by asking the class what came to our minds when he said Suzuki Samurai. I vividly remember someone having said, marshal arts. The answer he expected was a bike, which Suzy said, to which he gave a satisfactory expression as if the bait had been taken. “EXACTLY what I had thought you would think, beamed the psychologist in Saggi” and the presentation was on its way. 2 min later Sethi took over and that was it. It was as if he had felt misused when Saggi had started off the presentation and he never stopped and went right upto the thank you slide. The others in the group kept watching. Not that I felt sorry for them, but I did for those who kept listening about the samurai. One the monologue was over, Gera wasked if anybody had any questions. There was a silence for two minutes and just when Gera was about to stand up in appreciation of the class’s aversion to dissemination, a few hands were raised. Ppl asked shit and shit was thrown back at them. Shirish, in between, replied to some stuff that Sahil (off all people) asked. I could just hear him murmur to himself. I am sure Sahil wasn’t answered but not that he expected to. It was all just an effort to make gera feel that B3 had matured as a marketing class over the past one year.
Once the “discussion” was over, gera took over. It was a 1 hour session that followed that included examples of the Ipod, Swatch, the sony robot and some other stuff that I did not hear. Apparently Swatch ka intended positioning was not to be a fashion accessory. They wanted it to be a brand that had a watch for every occasion.. from a late afternoon swim to an evening dinner. They sold it in the departmental stores and since it was priced significantly lower than other watches, it ended up more like a fashion accessory (or something of that sort is what Gera said. Apparently, its a very good case made by Harvard). Then we went on to the Sony robot. I forgot the name of that thing. SImanta raised the topic… right out of the blue, when gera was about to change the topic to something new. I think Sanjna’s proximity adds a new dimension to his questioning abilities. Anyway .. as long as he is impressive to the niche, its ok.
[[Deleted Content!!]] Gera said, apparently the robot was a huge success in japan because dogs are expensive to maintain in Japan, largely because of the lack of space. Ppl felt that having a robot dog made more sense, weirdly enough! But then Sony took this shit ti the US and the product needed some new positioning and revamping. It was not being bought by the old people, as it was in Japan, and on the contrary, the kids started buying it as a toy. It was obviously too expensive a toy and sony had to come up with cheaper versions of it to fulfil the market needs. Anyway .. there was blah blah and more blah on that.
There was a huge debate in the first year on whether mktng is a science or an art. I am beginning to get convinced that marketing is a farce. Neither science nor art! Who ever knows what they market is going to be a success or not? Can anybody take a product today and give it to me in writing that they will market it and it will be a success in the market?! NO. I can give it to u in writing that a particular phenomenon will occur under a particular set of rules. Lets say, for example, lightning. That’s s a guarantee science can give you. I can give it to you in writing that a particular nude painting of MF Hussein will be liked by the painting fraternity, especially if it includes madhuri dixit. That’s a guarantee art can give you. Marketing can give neither! Wots the fukn point then? How do I even remotely care if a god dam robot was bought by the elderly in Japan or if a particular version of the Viagra was appreciated by the population of Slovakia? They should then call it history, not marketing. Know what has happened in the past and try and not to repeat the mistakes man has made over the past years and learn from the wisdom he has accumulated. That’s history .. isn’t it? That’s also marketing.. isn’t it?

O my hertha!

Well.. i just opened this page to compose a new post on the hilarious ragging session we had with our new bunch of juniors and i was alerted by a new mail that said that our college ka director passed away. i, actually most of us in college, knew this was coming cos he was in a real bad shape for the last few days. but then when i got this mail, it was really depressing. i dont even know what to say to him now. being a fan of the undertaker .. RIP Sir.
but then just as i started writing the previous paragraph, somebody pinged me on yahoo. it was Hertha, a female whose friend request i had very randomly accepted a few days back. thats the thing with guys.. we are just so happy to get a friend request from a random chik that we try and convince ourselves that we know her, even if we don't! of course, there are also ppl i know who add me with weird user names and i later get to know who they are. so i thought Hertha also fit that category of my acquaintances.
here is the transcript of the chat :) : [my thoughts are in brackets]

hertha: good lookin handsome man
me: what?? (ok.. thanks :))
hertha: yay! finally someone to talk to!
me: m sorry, but do we like know each other?
hertha: i am stephanie and i work at a 24/7 fitness centre and i like to play around with my camera when i get back home.
me: lol (lol!)
hertha: i hate it when i cant get ppl to see me when i am talking or brushing my hair or fixing my bra
me: why have u added me? (me too!!!! .. i mean, if i don get to see)
hertha: u can check me out at http://www.livewebcamcrush.com/StephiesAss
me: (WTF??!! ... i am in the midst of a sex chat! lolzz ... HELL YEA!)
hertha: did u accept my request? they wont charge you anything and it gets so much easier with our cameras.
me: is it legally ok for me to do this shit .. i mean, wont there be any issues? (lemme try n mess arnd a bit :D)
hertha: o c'mon, all u need to do is accept my request, thats all.
hertha: u can check my pics at http://www.pinkgirlpics.com/
me: but i am NOT 18 yrs old.
i meanwhile chk the profile
me: (unholy fukkk!!!!!!)
hertha: !!!
1 min passes by
2 min
3 min
.....
....
...
..
.
me: hertha? (hertha)
me: u there?
me: heylo!!!!!
me: ( :( :( :( )
1 min passes by :(
2 min :(
.....
....
...
..
.
afterthought : lolzzzzzzzz :D

i block hertha.
its 7:18 am. classes suspended today cos our director passed away. i don know whether to feel sad or happy. i must be an ass hole to feel the latter. but i cant help resist feelin joy at the fact that i can sleep away to glory.
but still from the bottom of my heart ... Sir, may your soul RIP.

The myth lives on ....

I have no idea whats happening with the ppl of ‘days’ and very frankly I no longer care. Last week I was in Punjab. I loved Punjabi food.. sorry, love. Amritsar and Ludhiana, hence, always offered a great chance for me to satiate my hunger for good Punjabi food. I did not disappoint myself. Chole bhature, parathe, kulche, lassi, more bhautres, chicken butter masala, alu ki tikki, more lassi - I had ‘em all. And all this was just the start to a wonderful three days in Punjab. For once, I saw this surd cop in his bike and when he crossed me saw his number plate – “Notorious Gill PB 02 xxxx” (cant risk giving away the reg number of the notorious gill .. u kno).

The highlights, however, of my stay were two :

1) Golden temple: I normally love to be around sardars. They have a great sense of humor, which is sometimes, sometimes, sometimes highly accentuated by their awesome sense of stupidity as well. They are so stupid at times that I am sure that they do it deliberately. To them, the lesser mortals would probably never know that! And of course, I always associate sardars with the innumerous santa-banta jokes and the bachpan ka ‘barah baj gaya’ thing. Always a myth.. I knew it, cos this Sehgal dude always took exams in school and was hell smarter than me. He never wrote smthing like ‘bole tara ra ra’ in the answer sheet ryt at 12 o clock or smthing.
So .. I was at this temple/gurudwara and its really a beautiful place. There are volunteers at the temple who give u water and u can just sit/sleep around the pool, chill.. u know just relax. Nobody gives a shit abt u and although its pretty crowed, its peaceful enough. I, after walkin arnd temple for an hr or so, went inside to chk out what actually happens inside the golden building. They sing and pray, like in all religions and there was something very nice and calm abt the entire thing. i had just one problem though. I was the only non sardar dude inside the temple and I was suddenly feelin claustrophobic around so many turban headed ppl. I went upto the first floor and checked the time. it was 11:57 and I chuckled to myself imagining what would happen if the myth wasn’t actually a myth. I saw them , seated and singing happily like a nice closely knit Punjabi family, and went up to the second floor. All of a sudden .. and I mean ALL OF A SUDDEN… all of them just stood up and the singing stopped!! I also stopped exactly where I was and realized that suddenly there was a protocol…. U stand where u are and don’t move! It was 12!!! Then the lead singer from the ground floor started praying and everybody listened. After about every 3 min we all did a “wahe guru” twice and continued to stand and listen for the next 15 min or so. When it got over, all of them sat down again and I got my non Punjabi ass out of there… happy that the myth had almost come true, but hadn’t!

2) Wagah border: for the first time in my life, I wished I had a bomb!

Shit happens!

…. Days 5 – TOW Third arrives

Unprecedented and hilarious turn of events. Still looking forward to Whirltour, but days doesn’t end here. Not NOW, for sure!

04/05: 1900 hrs. I am at the mall with first, second and flapso. Flapso is my classmate and we meet up in the evenings and do time pass like we are doing now. Second tells me, “Yaar who to bore ho jayega. Tu bhi nahin rahega aur fir landlord bhi prakat ho jayega naya natak lekar”. Well, we are going to have another room mate who is going to replace me once I leave for the 30 day Whirltour. This guy is also my classmate and if there was one dumbwaiter’s pitch for him, it would be, ‘one crazy SOB’! He is the kind of guy who comes up with a tagline, “mere kok mein tumhara bachha hai” for a 30 second skit on the product Coke. First and second know him only as a fun loving time pass guy, both blissfully ignorant of what lies ahead of them. They seem concerned for him because they genuinely feel that he may get bored and eventually frustrated in this PG and out of genuine courtesy they don’t want that to happen. I don’t know why they never thought like that for me though! As we are savoring the delicacies at Haldiram’s, I get a call from third. He tells me, “I am here. Come down”. First and second are pleased that third has come. Flapso looks at me and gives me the “so, this is it!” look.

04/05: 19:40hrs. Third shakes hand with first. They have met earlier in college. Second comes from behind and pats third hard on his back and says, “Welcome to Gurgaon”. Third looks at him and gives him the, ‘u never hit me hard on my back again’ look and says, “yea?”.

04/05: 2200hrs. We have all had our dinner, dropped Flapso at her place and are on our way back home. Third knows about chik1 and chik2 because that is all first and second spoke about over dinner. I am sure he is not curious, but out of sarcasm he asks, “so is this chik1 hot?” I see a disgusted look on first’s face and second replies, “yea man, absolutely!” First, in his nostalgia, is about to play his backstreet boys songs when he looks at third through the rear view and decides against it. I, in the meanwhile, am loving all this. Third asks, “and what about chik2?” No one replies. Third looks around and senses something that only his weird ass mind can and gives an evil smile.

04/05: 2235hrs. I have just had a bath and have missed an apparently interesting discussion because I hear first telling third about chik1’s visit to Rishikesh and how he should have also gone there. I somehow get the feeling that first shouldn’t be talking too much about chik1 to third. Their discussion has now shifted to how third would reach his office tomorrow and second starts explaining to third his project at work. Third lends a deaf ear and asks me if we could watch the TV. I start looking for the remote as first looks helplessly, realizing that the noiseless nights when he could sleep at peace are going to come to an end, starting in 2 minutes from now. He says, “good night” to which third replies, “yaar, kal main tere saath hi nikloonga. Main bhi to dekhoon yeh chik1 dikhti kaisi hai?”

04/05: 2315hrs. I am still trying to fathom the consequences of what third has just said. I turn on the TV and they are showing sunny’s entry in the movie ‘Mujhse Shaadi Karogi’. Third exclaims loudly in joy, “dude.. this is one of my fav movies.. volume badha”. I say, “why not” as I see first trying to block his ears with the pillow.

.... Days 4 - The Season Finale.

Like all good things, even this is coming to an end. I have stayed with two arbit guys for around two and a half weeks and I have realized that as long as you can respect people for what they are you are bound to have a decent time. I swear that these two have been the most boring guys I have ever shared a room with. They possessed no vestige whatsoever of any desire to hangout in the evenings, chill, waste time outside home.. u know.. all that you normally do and define as having fun. But yet, as odd as it may seem, I have enjoyed my stay here so far. They are really nice guys who are unbelievably funny. Its not the sarcastic or peppy humor that we associate with funny people but the kind of humor that is born out of a frustration at what life throws at you. First came with hopes of completing his internship successfully enough to add to his ever growing academic credentials but ended up falling in love with chik1. To his dismay, she just goes with him to work and back but never for once shows any signs of reciprocating his feelings. What happens to that, I will probably not be around to witness. No, I am not dying. I am just going to travel and do some market analysis for the next month. Actually, market analysis is a pseud name for salesmangiri. Second, he came with high hopes of getting a cracking project that would extract the best out of him and he was all ready to work his ass off. He is the type of guy who is ever curious to know everything.. gobble up as much knowledge and experience as he can like there is no tomorrow. These days, he just sits at his desk staring at the company’s website, waiting for that elusive project. These two come home every evening and have some very interesting conversations/incidents that you may end up calling boring. But I found a lot of fun and humor in whatever they discussed. For example, second is a weirdo. He would just wake up in the middle of the night and switch off the ac saying it causes him a splitting headache! First would just wait for him to get back to bed and turn it back on with the remote that he always kept under his pillow. This happened daily!

First’s lamenting about his failure to impress chik1 and his ever growing suspicion that she is committed has been the highlight of my stay here. Every day brought with it some new twist to that little story. Chik1 went to rishikesh this weekend and first spent the entire week deliberating whether or not he should tag along and thought about all the things that are there to do at rishikesh. Finally, he stayed back and slept thru the weekend. Obviously he saw the T20 world cup on TV and had paneer butter masala as well. I think more than the possible revelation that chik1 is committed, he would be more disappointed to know that she doesn’t know to cook paneer butter masala.

Anyway, at the end of the day, if you look at it, its just 5 different people looking out for an opportunity to do something awesome during this stint with the company and probably walk away with a PPO/PPI. Its just amazing to wonder what all transpires on the road to achieve this primary objective. Sometimes, to the extent that you begin to wonder what your primary objective was. For first, maybe it was to woo chik1. For second, it was probably to get a live project in the first place. For chik1&2, it was probably to look better every day trying to impress somebody or the other. For me, I don’t know .. maybe to keep looking out for interesting things and kill time. I wonder how long would I keep killing time.

I don’t see hot1 or hot2 these days either, as regularly as I did initially. Maybe they are also doing some salesmangiri somewhere. Lucky store owners! As long as they don’t call them bhaiyya. Hope is a man’s worst enemy and a woman’s best weapon. The bad news for men is ...women know this rule better than them!

Anyway, for now I leave all this and go in search of information on the inverter bazaar in India and give my bosses some fundae on how they should go about with their strategizing. I have been forced to leave all this and go do something that will involve a lot of traveling. Some places that I am looking forward to visit are Amritsar, Lucknow, Kolkata, Hyderabad, Chennai, Bangalore, Madurai and Thanjavur. I hope these are as interesting as the story lines I have lived with for the past couple of weeks. For me, days ends here.

Looking forward to the Whirltour!

.... Days 3

19/04: 1000hrs. I hate Mondays!


20/04: 1100hrs. I am jobless and am chatting on gtalk, which according to me is the single most awesomely awesome invention by man. Not only do u waste ur own time, but also others’. I was so kicked on day 1 when I was looking forward to making an impact at work and walking away with a PPO at the end of two months. (for all those who don’t kno, PPO is the permanent job offer that companies give you for outstanding work during your internship. Or that’s what I think). I am now bored and I look around for something interesting. C’mon, we all do that! I see the two hot chiks around my cube. They are freshers and are still on probation… (I kno that by eavesdropping J). They are, by the way, also boiling hot and my only source of happiness on such dull days But I have not spoken to them…. not yet. I say, “enough is enough.” Why should I be the one who is left out… and I turn my chair toward one of them when I see my boss come up to me and ask for the report on the inverter survey that I had done last week. I tell her it will be at her desk in 10 minutes and get back to work. I take the print out and drop it at her desk wondering what she would have to say about it. My first report and technically the beginning of my pathway to a PPO. Actually, she is extremely unnerving and must have been equally jobless today for having had the time to come up to me and ask me something about my work on the inverter market. I am tired having done all this and I go up to first and ask him to join me for tea. We see another chik, also an intern from some other college, speaking very nicely to her boss and almost leaning on him in the process. First looks at me and says, “dekh saale. Tereko kya lagta hai.. inverter ki survey karke ppo milega tereko?” I sip at the stupid tea and look at my reflection on the glass in front of us.. “doesn’t help at all!”

20/04: 2200hrs. First is pissed. “yaar, apna paida hone ka gender aur generation.. dono galat hai! Is generation mein ladkiyon ka demand bahut badh gaya hai aur apna gender male hai” I offer him some hajmola and ask him what happened. In my 6 days of stay with him I have realized that he can be placated with two things: 1) hajmola 2) paneer butter masala. He says that he had gone to Delhi with chik1, post lunch, to do some survey on refrigerators. Apparently after 20 minutes of unsuccessful deliberation with the salesmen in one of the stores, he could see chik1 being attended to by the manager himself, getting all the attention that she needed to get the survey done. First on the other hand had been blatantly asked, “sir, aapne fridge lena hai ki nahin? Tab se poonche ja rahe ho?!” on getting back to work and reporting their survey, chik1 had been praised for her “in-depth” analysis of the retailer’s mind and first had been asked to buck up. Second, meanwhile got a call from chik2 and he disappeared into the balcony. I switched off the light, not bothering to take some hajmola from first, and went to sleep.


21/04: 0900hrs. I find myself in the front seat of first’s car and waiting outside chik1&2’s PG for them to come. This is ridiculous, I think to myself. Finally they come and we find out that chik2 had fallen on the stairs and had hurt her bum. I feel sorry for the stairs and wonder why females wear such high heels anyways. On top of that chik2 looks a good foot taller than second with those heels! Maybe that’s why they talk only over the phone. It’s apparent that first is abnormally silent. He is responding in monosyllables to chik1’s questions of yesterday’s survey and how they are going to go about it today. I think some girls have this unbelievable ability to find out that you are pissed and they practically do everything in their ability to piss u further. But guy’s don’t care as long as they are not pissed. First is right.. wrong generation! I can’t wait to get to my seat and look at the two hotties.


21/04: 1100hrs. I am chatting on gtalk when I hear a sweet little "hi" from behind. I turn around to see hot1 and she introduces herself asking me about my credentials, as if trying to judge whether se should be talking to me or not. Then she asks me if we could go have coffee. I just get up. We go up to this vending machine and she asks the guy there, “bhaiyya, do coffee bana do please”. hot1 is the kind of hottie who prolly gives ppl heartbreaks every time she uses the word ‘bhaiyya’ on them. I could see the change in facial expression in the vending guys face in a matter of seconds from when she arrived at the machine to when she used the lethal word on him. As I am about to sip at the coffee, my boss walks past me and asks me to come to her cubicle immediately. “it’s urgent!” I look at her and apologise for having to leave. She tells me, “it’s ok, I ll see you around.” I curse my rotten luck and my boss as leave. From the corner of my eye I can see the bloody vending guy smiling at me.

.... Days 2

17/04: 1700hrs. I am getting ready with a big pack of kurkure to watch IPL when first and second come back from breakfast. They say it’s very hot outside and go sit right in front of the AC. First almost smelt the air as if chik1 was sending some aroma from inside. Second looked especially pleased. They had had a 9hr breakfast. I wonder if they had got laid after that. First had stuck himself so close to the ac now that he was almost blocking the air coming out of it. I somehow didn’t want to revolt and change his mood. The match started and I diverted my attention to it. Suddenly, first looked back and exclaimed, “dude, awesome day!”. I could feel the fresh air that wafted from the ac now.


18/04: 0900hrs. I have been long wanting to wake up early on a nice Sunday morning and prepare breakfast and have it while reading the newspaper and listening to some nice music. Today I finally get to do it! I prepare the maggi and put it on a plate. That ways our PG is nice. We have a common kitchen. We just have to bring our own food and utensils. I didn’t have no plates or utensils so I decided to use whatever was kept there. Not that anyone would care… or so I thought. I make the maggi, happily put it on a plate and turn around to see the huge woman right behind me! “kya kar rahe ho?”, she beamed. I was quietly going to put the plate back, apologize and leave when she said, “mereko batate to bana deti”. I said, “nahin theek hai”, lifted the plate back and maneuvered around her to reach the stairs. I wished if I could pay her a few more to keep the hell out of the house in my presence and then for a second wondered in fright if that came out loud. But she was already washing the utensils. In 2 min, I was in the balcony with my maggi, newspaper and ipod.


18/04: 2100hrs. First has been over the phone for the past one hour and I am beginning to wonder and am actually sure that he has hit it with chik1. Not that I am bothered but am suddenly curious. I ask second and he says he doesn’t know. But his eyes gleam at the prospect of finding out who it is. He says he has chik2’s number and will call her, strike a conversation and very smartly find out in the process. I am not very hopeful of this and am thinking if all this is required when I hear second say, “hello?”


18/04: 2145 hrs. Second has still not hung up and first has probably forgotten that he is on a call. I now know second and chik2 are chatting but am still wondering what’s up with first. So I decide to call up chik1 and just see if her phone is engaged or not. If it is, then its obvious she is with first, else I will just disconnect. I call her and Bingo! Her phone is engaged. I am all excited and happy for first. I plan where we would have dinner tomorrow because I sure can coax him into taking us out for a nice dinner for having chatted with his chik for two hours. all i cared about was some good free food! First comes in, looking pleased and I smile back at him. “Saale bahut khush hai, baat ban gayi!?” first says, “haan yaar, finally!” I tell him to take us out for dinner tom and he says that there is still a lot of convincing required. well, ok, the dinner can always wait. We go to bed and I turn off the lights. I am wondering how in a matter of days, first had managed to impress chik1 when he says, “yaar, par yeh phone pe do ghante customer survey karne ka bill mera baap bharega ki company?” Suddenly as if it dawned on me the lights are also turned on and I see that second just came into the room after having an hour long chat with chik2. I am speechless but I find words to ask second if he had asked chik2 the question that he was ‘smartly’ supposed to ask to which he replies, “kaunsa sawal?”

Days

13/04 : I reach the PG where I am supposed to stay for the next two months with 2 other guys from my coll. I am praying that they are cool and are going to make my stay interesting and fun. One of the “two other guys” comes down to greet me. His t-shirt says, “I give an aspirin a headache”. Incidentally… my t-shirt just said, “ok!”

14/04: I wake up at 7:30am .. yes 0730hrs. cause: loud bangs on my door. The second of the “two other guys” probably has arrived.. “with a bang”!. First is still asleep.. unperturbed by the bangs. I think he is dead.. had to be, because the bangs were insanely loud! But I decide to open the door first and check after. Bad news all over!!! The second guy has arrived and he calls the first guy who wakes up! They start chatting excitedly about second’s travel from Ludhiana to Gurgaon, visibly unappreciative of my presence. I go back to sleep.

14/04: 1145 hrs. I wake up. Happy with the sleep I had. Happiness lasts only about 23 seconds. Loud bangs again! First and second say they are too lazy and chuckle about it, testing each other’s patience AND mine too. Bangs, meanwhile, get louder also testing the wooden door’s metal. I wilt. I open the door and a huge woman beams at me.. “kapden”! The kind of violence her eyes spat at me, I was going to strip when I heard first say.. “haan bai, kapden bathroom mein ek baalti mein rakhen hue hai. Dho dijiye”. With a sigh of relief, I get back to bed.

15/04: Big day. Evident because I am ready and dressed like a newly wed at 0800 hrs. First day of my internship. Me, first and second leave together in first’s car and reach office at 0830hrs. Both of them are also dressed well and are visibly more excited. There are 4 more interns at work with us. Two chicks and two guys. First falls in love, at first sight, with one of the two chicks. He keeps looking at her like that is his summer project. Intense and unflinching. We are all taken to a meeting room. First desperately tries and gets a seat next to chik1. His intensity stays and he keeps looking. Sorry.. staring. However, surprisingly, chik1 has not noticed this yet. Or probably she has, but has not bothered to care. First, I have to admit, even his meanest or most violent avatar looks innocuous. Chik1 seems happy and is beaming. And then, all of a sudden, their eyes meet.

16/04: second is cribbing about the fact that he never gets hot chiks around him. First in lost in another world of his own and lends a deaf ear. I am happy that it’s a Friday. Yday, the two chiks had asked first for a lift to work in the morning. For first, it was like a wedding gift, in advance, from heaven. We reach the predetermined point of pickup and chik1 is standing there, well dressed, with chik2. First plays, ‘quit playing games with my heart’ by Backstreet Boys and opens the door for his love. Chik1 gracefully enters as first stares with bated breath. Chik2 follows and comments that it’s a ridiculous song. I get the feeling that first is going to kick her fat arse out of his car when chick1 rogers her thought and says that she hates such mushy songs. Second, in an attempt to win over either of them, says he also hates such songs and chuckles while saying that first loves them. First is damn pissed. We reach office, 5km from there, in less than 3 min and it’s like a roller coaster ride. I am scared out of my wits and so are all the rest. Suddenly chik1 exclaims, “now that’s what I call driving!”. And then all of a sudden, their eyes meet.. again!

17/04: I am sleeping when I smell something really nice. I don’t know what it is and am wating to find out. Suddenly there are loud bangs! I open my eyes and I hear the bangs again. Thankfully the nice smell is also there. I see first spraying himself with some perfume. Forehead, neck, armpits, chest, abdomen, soles and finally, his socks. He sprays all of them with it and its methodical too... as if it’s a formula to woo chik1. The banging, however, continues and first finally opens the door and the huge woman enters again and disappears into the bathroom. I had to pee but she closes the door in front of my eyes. M too scared to revolt. First says to second that he is going to meet chick1 for breakfast. Second asks if chick2 would be there. They call to find out and then both of them leave to take the chicks out for breakfast. The door closes behind me and I am left in the room with a huge woman and desperate to pee.

And then, like they say.. the rest is present.

Saving Pvt. Ryan!!!!

I wanted to piss.. N it was very very urgent!! Like wen a 24 yr old dude (or dudette for that matter :)) feels its urgent, u know he is not shitting u. But I just couldn’t piss….. There were fighter jets all over the sky and one just whizzed past my head. A couple of guys were hurt and were dying in front of me. I ran up to the dying guy and I asked him if I could piss there. he looked at me .. Perplexed…and then died. I really din know what to do. There was something wrong…. I dint know why. And then I looked in front of me and this huge officer came charging at me… “PEE!!! He shouted at me.. I was so happy to hear that! As he approached nearer … the noise around me was deafening, I shouted at him, “HOW??”. He shouted back.. “I don know, just FLEE!!!”. fuk I had heard what I had wanted to hear, but I was wrong! There was no other way out now… we were goin to be attacked and I had to flee.. Pee .. But I couldn. I just stood there having to do all this but unable to do nothing!! So..with all the force I ever applied.. The kind of force, if it could be saved and used, could win the war for us.. Something huge… I used all that force and just opened my eyes! I was in my bed. It was unreal!!! Fuk.. It was a dream. But I still had to pee though!
I got up n rushed to the toilet. I was going to pee.. The thought in itself had something rejuvenating in itself. I got in and pulled the payjama thread and I pulled the wrong one! The knot got entangled! Fuk!!!! I was goin to piss in my pants now.. I couldn take it any further. I started having visions.. Even a second of déjà vu! Then I just dug in and pulled at the knot again and thankfully it loosened. FINALLY...I pissed… then I pissed … n then again. My entire body loosened up. As if I had been kept imprisoned for ages and was released into the world full of open spaces. I started breathing deeply. I was actually ready to die now. I had lived my life I felt. I couldn believe when I was done.. That it was over.
I got back to my bed.. Thinking of the movie I had seen last night. Saving Private Ryan… one of the best war depictions I had ever seen. N it had hand some real impact on me. I sure din need Freud to interpret my dreams for me. I knew exactly what had happened and was happy how I had managed to see through the war without pissing on the battlefield. Then it hit me that the officer who had charged at me was Tom Hanks. In my piss frenzy I had not been able to recognize him. Bur I wanted to talk to him once in my life. .so I just close my eyes again.. N in a moment I was back there.. A fresh and rejuvenated soldier! 
Fuk. .a bullet!!

WTF??!!! :(

[06 March] -> Like there are the days every now and then wen u really feel down and out.. which in more understandable terms can be called feeling all fuked up! Today is such a day for me. As a kid we were taught fairy tales in kindergarten. I tell u . .those shud be baned now!! they always began with “long long ago” and always ended with “and they lived happily ever after”. U shudn do such gross injustice to kids. They tend to believe that life is goin to be like a fairy tale for them as well after reading such shit. They shud read stories like, “long long ago there lived a lady called rapunzel with really long hair. Her boyfriend dumped her n then she shaved off her hair in agony and committed suicide and went to hell”. That’s what they should read. .and once they get to a level where they know that what they have been reading is true n all, they can be given the original fairy tales to read at home.. just to know what their dads and moms read as kids and why they are so fukd up now.
M just wondering what Is it that actually makes us happy in life? For me its not money.. and obviously I am lying wen I say that! See.. for me its being able to say that I don want money and being able to pull it off with a straight face and also have loads of cash in my bank account would amount to happiness. But I cant do it now. I would also love to become a big shot someday and write an autobiography of my own. Like some very famous hot shots do it these days. Its very “now”… apparently. But let me tell u something… y the fuk din these hot shots bother to write an autobiography when they were not such hot shots?? Lets try analyzing the reasons:
1) they were not famous so no one would buy their books -> so they are writing their autobiographies just so that ppl read them?
2) they din have the balls to write an autobiography earlier n say that they fukd their secretaries or doped wen they were 17. they do it now. .cos they are hot shots and ppl wud now appreciate that they did all that n yet overcame such "moral failures" to make it big in life.. yeah.. moral failures.. that’s what they might like to call it. ( any resemblance to any other autobiography is purely coincidental here as I am just imagining .. n I write this disclaimer as this is something that I think wud feature in all autobiographies! ) I have never been an avid reader of books.. forget abt autobiographies. I have enuf n more crap in my life to be reading abt someone else’s shit!
But yeah.. I want to write an autobiography wen I am famous exactly because of the two reasons stated above! I want to generate some revenue for myself and I don’t have the balls to admit some shit now that I would readily do if I got into a position where I can comfortably call it a moral failure that I overcame! ( no… I have not had any secretaries in my life yet).
Anyways… so coming back to the point. Its not money . .so wot is it then? Now a very genuine and honest answer would be, “I don’t know” … n an even more honest and genuine answer would be, “I fukn don know.. n how the fuk does it matter to u?? go rot in hell”

[08/march] -> M better today.. much better. i wrote all crap yday.
Yeah.. it’s all about money.

MADE IN PAKISTAN....

I was just going through the evidence dossier that India has given to Pakistan (http://www.hindu.com/nic/dossier.htm) to urge it to speed up it’s investigation process, if any, and hand over the guilty to us. In the second annexure of the first section of the dossier were the list of evidences that were recovered from Kasab and their pics. One thing that was striking there was that all the products recovered from that guy… I mean all… were “made in Pakistan” u could just check out the dossier yourself and you would know what I am talking about. Bermuda, spray paints, shaving cream, brushes, tissue paper.. everything. .”made in Pakistan”. Get the forensics..do a DNA test.. mayb even that would have a “made in Pakistan” tag on it somewhere. (that wud be SOME evidence!) I guess they wud never be able to catch an Indian terrorist in that case, cos we always have products that say, “made in China” or “made in USA”.  ppl wud have a tuf time framing our guys if they try looking for such evidences!! Everything would then direct to the USA or China.. or if it’s a low esteemed terrorist.. maybe Bangladesh! We hardly use “made in India” stuff man! It’s pathetic.. but kinda true. C’mon what does ur shirt say now?? At least these terrorists are patriotic in that sense.. ..
But there is one thing that strikes me with all this investigation that is going and that is… if at all the ISI was involved in the Mumbai attacks, would they have not taken care of such petty things as asking their guys to use other stuff and conceal their identities?? After all they are the “inter services intelligence”!! we know they have the intelligence to do a lotta stuff!!!.... wudn they have the intelligence to take care of such petty things? India, with all the evidences gathered is sure that the terrorists were Pakistanis and maybe even the ISI had a role to play. But then we haven’t done much about it yet. It took our ppl more than a month to hold a conference of chief ministers on internal security… the anti-terror laws that are passed are already being vigorously opposed by ppl like Narendra Modi (wr the fuk is Karan Thapar??), certain NGO’s seem to be voicing concerns over Kasab and there have been a whole lot of talks that have gone in between our ministers and several other “mediating”countries. Yet, not one productive result.. yet! Diplomatic stances have been taken and investigation has also been conducted by several foreign bodies mainly bcos there is atleast one person in the annexure of the dossier who happens to be that country’s national and was a victim of the attack. Our PM, yday, has finally come up with some strong words and pointed directly at our neighbour accusing it of using terrorism as an instrument od state policy. That sounded positive intent.. just hope that he backs it up with some action.
But one still wonders, should it really be so difficult to bring the perpetrators to justice when we have all the evidences gathered. Apparently, rolling stones have started to gather a whole lot of moss these days!!! It’s funny ‘cos back in the day, I had heard they don’t.
I don’t remember America haven done so much talking after the 9/11 attacks as they seem to be doing here in our case. Pakistan says that it doesn’t have extradition treaties with India as it does with America and so it cannot hand over the terrorists wanted by India!! I do not think terrorists belong to any nation.. they are just fukn terrorists who ain’t belong to shit! I fail to understand y Pakistan is in love with these people and is trying to protect them by maintaining such fukd up diplomatic stances on the face of such a global threat. If she has control over these people, as it claims to, then why not just hand them over to the people who have been victimized by their heinous acts. Perpetrators of peace and international relations need not be taken care of as if they were responsible citizens of a particular nation. Ok.. mayb.. Zakiur Rahman Lakhvi wears stuff that are “made in Pakistan” and drinks milk packaged in Pakistan, but does that mean that she should defend him as if he were a prized possession of the nation.. or is he??

I DON’T KNOW.. ASSORTMENT??!!

THEY should have named ghajini as post-it! or atleast post-it notes shud have been the official and exclusive sponsor of this movie!! I swear to god i feel that post-it would win the market share (which I feel it already does) by replacing the fluorescent pages with a muscular cut out of aamir’s body as it is in ghajini… jus imagine a husband comin home tired after a long day’s work n he finds the ghajini post it on the dressing mirror that says, “m in the bath honey… get ready”.. n to add to it aamir’s fierce look wud be starin down his throat like, “u better remember to hump her tonite dude!!”
Anyways… m posting blogs, after like 30 yrs or smthing, so I wud need a ghajini post it of my own from now I guess. I din find the time or enthu for the past few months and once wen I was having a discussion, some “wise ass” once told me that blogging might spread extreme views and shud not be allowed!! It’s not that I fukn post blogs that are titled, “December 25… REMEMBER” n then a gang of hoodlums raid some random outlet with a pair of hand grenades on dec 25~!
This 26/11 has really caught on .. as in… if it was not for this terrorist attack, I think even the media business would have been hit by the recession! …. Or rather I shud say the entertainment business! Aaj tak is definitely kind of entertainment and they shud rename it to “ATE” or something.. (just like WWE). .aaj tak entertainment… as in ATE -> that’s what we did to your emotions! (ok.. someone just pick this up n add it to the mailchain of the worst PJ’s ever!!! ;-P). I was watchin the movie ‘mumbai meri jaan’ and they just proved my point in that.. or rather I am elaborating on theirs.
Media s all fukd up now.. .they try to derive an entertainment factor out of practically everything that they can lay their hands on. They have started advertising the evnts, rather than give news. There was this 17 yr old kid who was shot dead the other day for having tried to escape the police and climbed onto the roof a high ranking cop’s house. A cupl of reasons that the media gave as to y the police thot that he was a terrorist were really disturbing! I really don’t want to name out instances to substantiate on that ‘cos they mite be what I feel and some of you mite interpret it in a different sense and then the “wise ass” would, all of a sudden, sound true! Media hype is giving undue importance to a lot of ppl who suddenly think they are next to Obama in the list of “most influential and famous ppl on planet earth” and start forgetting what they are actually supposed to be doing! Sania Mirza ia a ‘category A’ example of that and Saina Nehwal is a potential successor to that throne. For politicians, it’s like they have lost out on all fronts and are looking out for such media glorification to regain some “never had” pride. I forgot the name of that jackass who came on TV a few days back makin some kinda remarks and finally apologized after a week by taking a “U-turn” from his comments. “I am on TV today and will stay there for the rest of the week”, that’s what he wud have probably happily told his wife at home.. desperately wishing that he sees an aamir khan post-it on the dressing mirror the next day he comes back from the parliament house! He probably never saw that post-it and hence the U-turn! Fukn politicians.. hehe!
Nevertheless, ppl seem to be living all the shit goin arnd ( courtesy our media ) and no one capable of doin smthin is really doin anything abt it… It was all hyped up a couple of weeks back on TV when they used to have debates and discussions in the news channels saying, ”this is the big fukn voice of India.. n this is goin to make all the difference” and all... all I see now on TV is the news abt India’s rise to the top three positions of world cricket. Some overgrown public gets paid to come on TV and go around the world, eating and drinking all kinds of exotic stuff and tell u that it’s AWESOME!! .. as if that’s news!! N of course a lot of attention is also being grabbed by the release of a few blockbusters and the cold war that is goin arnd in Bollywood among our three khans. Am just surprised that the big Stud from Maharashtra is still not back to his services…. Let’s go n get some govt jobs in Bombay guys… we’ll get paid by some news channel fr that .. I am sure! They wud get enuf shit for atleast a month, videotaping us getting whacked arnd and the cash, if any, would go to our our parents and spouses..… and could probably be used for an expensive cremation for us.
Agitation among ppl seem to be the same thing as aamir khan’s memory in Ghajini. Any of us cud have acted in Ghajini I guess.. just needed a six step ab for Asin to drool over and… Voila!!

How to make a word potent…. Anyone??

Happy new year folks…!! Hope u have a wonderful year ahead of you.

For me this one’s goin to pretty much define my path n I wud know that in 9 days from now. i am not assuming anything now. .we all know assumption is the mother of all fuk ups! Nevertheless.. if everything gets messed up, I am goin to become a roadie.. I don give a shit!

Anyways.. really long time since I have been here.. 2008 was a great and interesting year but no blogs to prove that point and 2009 starts off with one on day one. .that’s because this is about something that I just cannot not mention! J so here goes…

Today morning I was a the canteen to get myself a juice to help me out with my diet and I happened to observe a couple of ladies, beside me in the queue, speakin in english. Apparently one f them had not brought some cash that she was supposed to have and the other one was not very appreciative of that fact. So as an alibi for that, the first one went, “yday was salary da na, so there was a loooooooooooooooooooooong line at the ATM”.

Let me tell you…The long was very long indeed! At one point of that long, I started to get the feeling that she wanted to make her friend listen to that long for almost as much time as she had waited there in that queue!! She herself seemd to be in a lot of pain, cos she made the mule face, shut her eyes tight, tilted her head backwards n did what not to pronounce it!!! I knew immediately that the queue would have been excruciatingly painful. But still, the loooooooooooooooong just din fit in!

I was like.. don’t they have a shorter word called “very” that conveys almost the same emotion? It might not be as long as loooooooooooooooong but still she shud start using the substitute. Obviously for that lady, looooooooooooooooong is definitely longer .. much much longer than very long!!

But the fact is, it is the case with almost all of us, especially our women! They kinda think it makes the word impotent unless u stretch it.. n they obviously don seem to like it that way! ‘cos in reply to that, the second lady went, “I know…. it’s sometimes sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo irritating”!!!!

oh fuk yeah, “it was!!”

anyways.. have a wonnnnnnnnnnnnderful new year ladies.

my first day at work

The day i recieved my call letter, i was extremely relieved, cos it took quite some time to come.. as if Wipro had, at some time, even forgotten that they had hired me! Nevertheless.. all was fine now and i reached chennai on the 15th of this month, well in advance of the day when i had to report, that being the 20th. but i also had to attend a marriage and a reception the very same weekend that i came here, which was very painful because there was nobody of my age whom i knew there and i swear by the bible (or the bhagvad gita, in my case) that i am very bad at socialising!!! sometimes i even wonder y do ppl even have to make such a big fuss out of their marriages by inviting so many ppl 'cos, trust me, more than half of them come only to eat! get married, go home, celebrate with ur loved ones and go to bed.. thats enuf i guess. nw plz don tell me that all the ppl at the marriage r LOVED ONES!! its probably more of an obligation to invite i guess. it jus doesn make sense to me and probably this ignorance is reason enuf y m so bad at what ppl call as SOCIALISING!anyways, i ended up surviving the weekend cos i happened to meet some of my uncles after quite some time and of course the groom who is a distant cousin of mine and that was the only good part cos there were verrrrry few ppl whom i recognized at the marraige. i had to face loads of "do u remember me dear? how would u.. u were a small baby wen i last saw u" stuff. n they told each other,"look how big he s become!"..as if kids here are stalled from growth.anyways..then i had to go to my college to collect my certificates and the 18th was spent in searchin for a home which is still goin on by the way! the 19th, as i had thought and decided, was spent almost entirely on putting all my certificates in order, gettin the neccessary photocopies, and filing them all up. don't be surprised 'cos i actually DID take almost the entire day doin this and was as meticulous as possible 'cos i jus DID NOT want anything to go wrong on day one at work! evening i was thinking of what to wear the next day 'cos mom had very strictly asked me to be presentable, at least on day one! i thought and did all the permutations.. finally comin up with a grey t-shirt and a blue jeans. "that looked presentable enough", i thought to myself. but wen i told god(my friend, bro, ethical advisor, current roomie.. anything) abt my dressing plans they got changed in 2 seconds! i won't even bother tellin abt wot i finnaly decided to wear 'cos it was extremely formal and even the thought of it makes me claustrophobic. GOD alone knows how i wore it the next day cos,trust me, god did not know else he wouldn have asked me to wear it! after that we had a small tandoori fest at dinner, watched yuvraj hit stuart broad for 6 sixes in an over and i did not even watch england bat 'cos i went to bed early as i had to wake up early next day and leave on time to reach wipro in Shollinganalur at 9 a.m.
it was 7 a.m on the 20th wen my alarm rang me awake. i was not really hyper excited or anything but it was just the normal boost of energy that u have wen u happen to be goin to a new place and u realize that its important. well, i shaved off my little goatie if that is any indication of how important the day was to me. it takes a good couple of weeks to grow and as i shaved the goatie off my chin i realized that i will not be seeing "him" for a long time to come unless i got to work for paris hilton! anyways.. i must admit i was pretty cool and not gettin workep up about the whole "first day at work" fever that normally catches on people and even god was impressed, tho' he din say it to me. well, i had to report at 9 a.m so i left home by 8.15 and i have never been one to reach a place well in advance to have spare time 'cos i never felt it was neccessary! if u have not done ur work till then how will the spare time help u out?!! being on time was jus perfect for me and i obviously couldn afford gettin late on day one! however i reached the office gates by 8.40 and was jus wondering if i should go in now or have a cup of tea from the vendor outside and wait till 9, but i decided against it. i walked into the office, all dressed up lke my cousin who got married a week back as i looked at some other employees havin id cards around their necks the way pets r differentiated from the stray dogs, realizing that i was also goin to be one of them in some more time to come! it's ok, i thought, 'cos, here, pets are paid! i held a file which contained all the essentials that they had asked me to bring along on the day of reporting. i was just a bit weary 'cos the scenario was not as expected. there were not many freshers waiting to report and i seemed to be the only jackass in the building with a file and not knowing what to do!were they calling ppl early cos they take it for granted that we will be late.. knowing it for a fact that after all we were engineers! i decided to wait n see if i could see anybody with the same issues as i but seeing no one, i went up to the receptionist and asked, "ma'am, i know i am a bit early but i was supposed to report today at 9 a.m, so could u please help me out by tellin whom i should be meeting for the same?" she looked up at me, as if i had disturbed her in a meeting where she was negotiating a multi-illion dollar business deal with bill gates, and she said, "u were supposed to report today?". i mean how stupid was she? i spoke in english, right? i did not say that aloud and said "yes" to which she asked me to wait for a moment and did something on the computer in front of her and said, "i am sorry, u must be mistaken but u are supposed to report not here in shollinganalur, but in guindy at 9a.m" i jus wished for a second that some huge meteor hit the earth and the world came to an end!! it would be just fine even if the meteor directly hit me and only i came to an end! BUT I WANTED AN END FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!!!!! it was 8.50 and i had spare time for the first time ever which as i always beleived was of no help cos the guindy office was atleast an hour from where i was and it was all the more difficult during office hours!!the day was off to a rocking start already and i flew as fast as i could to the other office and yet i reached not before it was 10:20 a.m.i signed at the gate and was directed to the mezzanine floor by the receptionist who stared at me like i had flown in from planet jupiter when i said that i was suposed to report there at 8:30! nevertheless i rushed to the hall upstairs only to find some of my college mates laughin away at some joke that some smart ass had just cracked. y do these ass 'ol's ever crack jokes at the wrong time?? they suddenly looked at me rushing toward the hall and one of them said, "hey vinod, we thought u were not joining.... dude.. this s not college man. do u know u r late here too??!!" "oh really? i thought i had time to spare.. was jus tryin to loose some fat!!", said i as i stormed into the hall where the lady addressing the freshers jus proved that females think alike and gave me the same receptionist look! i told her that i m sorry and tried to explain as the rest of the newies looked on in astonishment 'cos not only was i late but i was now holding up the presentation as the nice generous lady decided to spare a few minutes for me so that i could fill up all the neccessay forms and complete the documents verification process that had been goin on for so long. just as i finished the process, i thought to myself, "this s all they were doin here for the past one n a half hour!! y did i not take a nap b4 entering?" anyways... my being late was almost being forgiven wen the female asked me for my appointment letter that was apparently missing in my file.. and wen she did ask, i jus felt that a single meteor would not do the trick!! i should have had an explosive in my file as well that could have blown up automatically whenever i was in THAT kinda situation. well, and almost immediately as i was trying to figure out what had happened to the second letter that was apparently supposed to be with me, my cell phone rang ALOUD! AND ALOUD IT WAS!! it was just a message but the tune sounded like a death knell to me! the lady looked at me in utter disbelief and i jus felt that somewhere within........ really somewhere deep deep deep within she had to have felt for me and my rotten luck, if she was human. thankfully she figured out that the other letter was not supposed to be with me as my colege had sent it to wipro automatically but then she did gimme the "switch off ur mobile within the premises look!" i gave her the "yeah, m sorry but GOD probably wanted to have some fun and so he created me for THIS particular day" look. As i took my seat in the last rows of the hall, i took out my cell to switch it off and happened to check my message. it was delivered 3 hrs late.. screw airtel for that! it was from dad and it read, " ur first day at work joe, so here s wishing u all the best. hope u have a nice day." well, dad, u son s not worth a shit s all that i wanted to reply and i switched it off.probably the wishes from dad worked as the rest of the day went off ok and quite a few ppl came up to me and asked y i was late and wot had happened. " just outta college guys.. gimme some time to get this working." a few of them even asked me y i hadn't call them up to find out about he reporting details if i wasn't sure. but who cared now!it was quite a long day and the same female, who started off the day, finished the final session by sayin that we all meet on the 24th at 9 am. and wen she said that, she made it a point to look towards the last row at me and say "sharp" as i saw a few heads turn backwards and wondered what lay in store for me on day two at work.....

HUM CHLOROMINT KYON KHAATEN HAI???

U must be blind if u haven't figured out the answer yet!! (taaki ghar me danda na khaayen).. that would be "THE" answer to the million dollar question....
so.. here goes the story ( which happens to be true! )....

MY FIRST "REAL" FAG......

i had fagged quite a few times b4 yday but had really never understood the aura that went arnd the ..so called .. "pleasure" that ppl derived out of it..... however.. NOW.. i do.. :)
i must thank two ppl for this... sneha and jai..
well.. sneha actually had nothin to do with this.. she jus happened to introduce me to this guy sellin momo's for 10 bucks which meant that i cud nw save upto 40 bucks by nt goin to momo plaza..
however..the culprit of the show happens to be jai who taught me what to do with the 40 that i save!!
jai n i happened to go out yday to a hell of a lot of places. he needed to buy a nice pair of shoes and we happened to be more miserable than gals.. cos we spent the entire afternoon searchin n ended up buyin none... (at least gals can buy a button in that time!! n i can testify!!!) neways.. we endd up doin a whole lot of walkin cos he did buy some pants for himself and finally we came to the momo guy and trust me... we were dead thirsty! we hogged on the momos and followed it up with two bottles each of chilled... really chilled thums up. it was AWESOME.. to say the least!!!! i guess all of u can relate to this.... u feel the chillness of the drink goin down ur throat wen u r really thirsty.. and if u don.. "go to hell"
if u r still on earth .. read along....
it all happened after the drink... ... ... both of us bought a classic for ourselves and he promised me that this wud be the best time to fag (after a satisfyin hog!). we sat outside elgin's metro, and with the cool breeze that we r so accustomed to from the metros, soothing us, i lit the cigarette. With my first puff (that went thru my mouth and part of t came out thru the nostrils.... the rest disappeared smwhere inside.. god.. i wished i was a biology guy so that i cud ve xplained that phenomenon better!!) it felt as if somebody jus took away the entire load of all the food and had releived me off all the strain that i had undergone the entire day walking.. and the wind from the metro, as it hit my face, refreshing as it was and takin away the tiny beads of sweat that had formed on my forehead, was like makin me fly without wings and feel that smbody was givin me a gentle mid-air massage. If u r a regular fagger.. i guess u wud accept and understand what i felt that time and would also forgive me for my miserable inability to put it in the right words.
jai.. the miserable fuck!!! he jus gave me a poisonous medicine...!
but i was ready to forgive him.. cos i felt like God.. nt 'cos i was ridin an avenger.. but 'cos i held a classic b/w ma fingers!
well.. after we finished our fags he bought a couple of chloromints for each of us...
I : isse kya hoga?
HE : badboo nahi marega be...
I : acha.. isse badboo ka prob solved??
HE : mooh se to nahi aayega badboo..
i was dead surprised and stunned at that!!! OKKAY!!! WR ELSE DOES T COME FROM THEN??
HE : (laughs) abbey nahi.. shirt se to aata hi hai.
for a second i felt they shud advertise.... buy a couple of chloromints and get a sachet of ariel.. free!
nevertheless... i popped the mints and was ready to go home.


To the faggin fraternity.. here i come......................
CHEERS TO NICOTINE!!!!

P.S. (1) DON WATCH HEY BABY IF U R A GUY.... ( will try n xplain y in my next post )
(2) STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN CUD BE VINCE Mc MAHON'S ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!!!
LOL!!!!!

"HEY JO, I WROTE A SONG TODAY...ITS CALLED GET UP!"

DISCLAIMER(S):
1. The author does not, in any way, profit from the story and that all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s).
2. Thou shalt not needlessly waste your time by reading further if thou has not the least idea about Chandler Bing a.k.a Matthew Perry… ( the vice-versa might no be true).
3. Don’t proceed any further if you have been advised by some nut to abstain from laughin’.


Well, now that it s just me n all those ppl who claim to know who chandler bing is and have the liberty of creatin a laugh riot, I will present to you some of the most hilarious comments ever made on planet earth…. These r not goin to be in any kinda order and they r gonna be my fav 15. M jus gonna put ‘em up the way I want to!! ( it’s MY blog!! :-) )

1) Ross: i got the gift of time!!!

Chandler: thats nice.. last christmas i got the gift of space.. why dont we join it together and make it a continuem!!

Oki… nw its upto u guys to imagine hw chandler makes up that face of his durin each dialogue delivery n does all that movement with his arms..

2) There s this episode where joey tries to sell the entertaimment center n gets locked n robbed

Joey: I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do?

Chandler: BEND OVER?!!!

I jus feel sometimes if there ever has been a guy with a better sense of one liners…!!!??

3) This one s wen Ross has just slept with another woman after breaking up with Rachel. Chandler s obviously surprised at hw fast Ross s gotten over it!!

Chandler: You slept with another woman 3 hrs after breaking up with Rachel ?? Come on.. Bullets have left guns slower !!

4) Now its jus not humanly possible of u to NOT have seen this episode or this scene (at least!!).
Chandler n Joey are supposed to be takin care of Ross’s baby n they end up losin him in a bus. They go to human services department to find the baby….. There r two similar lookin babies. One wearin a dress havin clowns printed on it n the other one has ducks n they don know which one to take bk home. They decide to flip and hence assign smthn to heads n tails….

JOEY: Ducks is heads becoz ducks hav heads!!

CHANDLER: Kind of scary ass clowns came to ur birthday party??!!

5) Ever felt bad for Candler and also felt lik laughin a t the same time?? Here goes…
Chandler n Monica try makin’ love & chandler's thing doesn't work. He gets very upset abt it and goes to Joey's place…. looks at the fuseball table... And says.."...Sure, you guyz don't have any thing to worry about, you're made of WOOD..."
He also says this once after a similar kinda incident wen he s unable to perform in bed with Mon…
"In high school, I failed in biology, but tonight…… biology failed me"..

6) Once Rachel gets pissed that chandler saw her "boobies" by mistake while coming out of the shower and in reciprocation she wants to see his "pee pee".

Ross: You must show her your pee pee.

Rachel: Yes thats correct,you saw mine..i should see yours….tit for tat.

Chandler: I am not showing you my TAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
(That was a killer!!!)

7) Oki…. Nw this 7th one s gonna need u to imagine hw he says things wen he s desperately frustrated at Joey’s wisdom (or rather.. The lack of it)..

Chandler: [To Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute!

Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple.

Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man!!!

8) Take this for a one liner… right out of the blues!!!!

"U wanna do somethin diff ?? Then lets try loosing our virginities again, cos i think mine is growing back!!"

9) I have to admit there s no hierarchy in ths list…. Otherwise this one wud have been smwr right up there!!!!

Joey: lets name the chick's and duck's kid as CHUCK

Chandler: or DICK

10 & 11) This one again goes one to prove what he thinks of Joey…
During his marriage with monica…

The greek padre asks him "are you Chandler?"

And he asks back, "Are you Joey???????!!!!"

When Joey asks him if he looked 19..Chandler replies......Oh!! yes.....on a scale of 1 to 10....10 being the dumbest a person can look u r DEFINITELY 19

12 & 13) Chandler must have lived some time as the Greek God of sarcarsm or something!!! Have a look at these two…

Once when Phoebe and the Bing's were fighting over their guy who wud go to the charity ball with Rachel.....they happen to be bragging about their guy's qualities....

Phoebe: Have you seen your guy’s body?

Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head!!!

Monica and Mike are playing pingpong and chandler keeps talkin away, which both of them ignore..

Chandler : “I wonder if i shud use my invisibility to fight crime or do evil .. ?”

14) Took me some time to get this.. Bu sent me rollin wen I did….!

When all of ’em r at central perk and Ross asks for a "cheque"…. Chandler says, “ why not a Yugoslav.…?? ”

15) Nw this one is the last but in no way the least!! It s wen Joey has this Australian room mate and is weaving a sweater wit her. Joey invites Chandler to join but he says "NO THANKS JOSEPHEEN!!” Chandler then goes over to Ross's place and finds him puttin on some make up and then he goes…….. "OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN? "

I was jus watchin silence of the lambs the other day wen I thot to myself…. Of course lambs must be scarier than ducks.. Else they’d ve called it silence of the ducks!!!!

long live C.B .............

DADA s back!!!.... but as 'DADU'

I was watchin the third n final test at the oval till 15 min bk on star and Saurav Ganguly was then battin on 30 odd. i was tempted to post this 'cos of an incident that happened then. Ganguly, i must admit, howmuchever i like him, is jus a shadow of what he used to be. it takes him ages to score his runs... as if the Chappel episode has made him ignorant of the fact that batsmen shud have some regard for their strike rates.
newaz... Ganguly was battin wid a strike rate of 37.75 and i guess it's high time we shud start callin him "DADU" n not "DADA"!!! He suddenly struck Anderson for a four thru point that was reminiscent of our dada of the past n i jus started to feel that there might be a turn around nw. next over he came down the pitch n whacked Monty for a huuuuugeeeeeee six over long on and that was Saurav Ganguly at his best!!! i was wondering hw can sm players be so neat and elegant in their strokeplay.... n then the commentator said, durin the replay, " What an astonishing and effoertless shot! I guess only Lara can play that shot better than Saurav in world cricket"... ... ... ... well, i jus got an update from cricinfo that Ganguly s out for 37. at least he managed to make a definite point durin his stay at the crease.. that.. Lara s a genius.
whoops!!! sorry if u were expectin smthin else frm this post.. :) good nyt.

may GOD bless ICL.....
Amen..

Frenship's day ..... a build up to Valentine's??!!

Its 11:45 n so… technically speakin.. It still s frnship’s eve n m jus wonderin of tomorrow and all those optimistic eves who wish that some prince Adam comes, kisses their injured foot, heals it, ties a frienship band arnd that poor foot ..callin it “a new fashion statement that heals” and they get a chance to display the cherished attitude or arrogance by sayin.. “ frnship band??.. MY FOOT!!!”…. Or.. Or… maybe those eves who would wonder if some chocolatey handsome guy , who has a chuckle that resembles that of the Live-In Dino Morea, should approach them n decorate them with a “cute” lookin’ band….err.. Frenship’s band, and they again demonstrate an attitude by sayin smthin like.. “dude… xcuse me??…yukk!!!” Somebody plzzzz make this correction…“Attitude.. and NOT diamond is a gal’s best friend!!”
But STILL prince Adam n Dino would go after their lady like even if they r called dogs.. n wot not… no wonder they say.. “A dog s a man’s best friend!!”…no corrections required there.….. But at the end of the day, Dino, Adam n their respective lady lucks would be seen coochi-cooin arnd at citizen’s park the comin 14/02 with St. Valentine showering all kinda aromatic n exotic flowers on them frm heaven !!!... See… what all friendship’s day can do??!!! it's actually bcomin a build up to the valentine's day for many ppl..
And yeah, there r also the bunch of apparent studs who actually go arnd doin such crap such as tryin to impress random junta with gifts and flowers… y? cos it’s frenship’s day!! I wish they jus said.. “happy Monday/tue/my day/ SOME GOD DAMN DAY” and do it any day!! And like SRK ,tell each femme the same story that u r the only one whom m giftin this shit! Did somebody ever tell me that he s bisexual? … huh! So much 4 that!!
A guy gets to wish a gal on frenship’s day n take his first productive step toward “approachin” her.. N then go arnd wid her claimin all sorts of stuff b4 finally disappearin on the day they celebrate most guys’ death anniversaries that s so nicely called as rakhi!! That s wen the femme community officially gets to say F.O to those whom it feels r trespassing ‘not to be occupied’ territories and to maybe even the optimistic guy, who had by now bought valentine roses for her. Poor him! N they still say it’s a man’s world!!??? I guess we shud have a day wen guys get to say official F.O’s to gals by tyin smthin similar on their wrists n maybe we can call that as a RAKHA?? Or smthin like that! Lets see hw many girls fall sick that day n not go to skools or colleges or even to work! No wonder A.R.Rahaman s a successful bloke..
Well, all this was for the breed of ppl who see friendship’s day as a ladder to a successful valentine’s day the next year…J not a bad idea tho!!.. Of course there r ppl like De who r still alive and game for a good collction of frienship bands as well as rakhis…
Oki…It’s past twelve now n so we r technically into “THE” day…. N so.. First things first.. I will stop kiddin' arnd and tell ya folks that of course frndship's day is a day that we all look frwrd to, for not the bull sht that i was talkin abt all this time, but to thank all our frens who mean a tonne n even more and to wish them all for much better n brighter days to come.. and of course to tell them in a very subtle manner that they have brought abt quite a change in our lives with their frndship and love by jus sayin " happy frienship's day "....... so here goes.... i wish u happy friendship’s day and I wish the same to all u guys and girls who r close to me and mean so much to me…. I wish I cud be the “apparent stud” n go arnd givin flowers to all u gals!! Jeezz... n guys…. M not SRK!!
Well, I have a silent prayer for all u guys tho…!! Girls can stop reading here… If u r a girl i wish u happy friendhip’s day again... Have a gr8 day. May the Dino Morea‘s and Bradd Pitt‘s (and of course.. Abhishek too.. For all u ‘bit‘ten ppl) come to u.. Bbye….
Guys…
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“may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up ur day and may their arms be too short to scratch…!!

Amen!!
n
Cheers!!

To all the fillies....

i guess incompetence in any aspect can be very depressing and demoralising to one's
esteem and dignity. and imagine how bad things can turn out to be if u realize such
things in a toilet!!oki folks... m not goin in the sense that u might have been tempted to think by the
previous line. it jus so happened that i was at this pub called 'thousand oaks',
wid ma friends....Pune was wet and ppl were gettin drenched everywhre. i was excited about the
prospect of meetin my old skool frnd after 6 long yrs and i also realized that time
can change ppl wen he said that " pune mein baat karne ke liye bhi peena padtha
hai.. come over to thousand oaks" .. i obliged n the plan was set.we met up and started talkin loads of things abt the past and the present with me
feelin ever claustrophobic in that 'ambience'. i was quick to correct myself.. it's
not time that changes ppl, it's booze! We were 6 of us and of course i couldn tell
them that i was a 'tam bram' or maybe "i don't.. at least anymore", and accepted to
have a mug of beer. Of course i had my eyes set on the plates of finger chips and
other delicacies that were being ordered parallely. The cold atmosphere and the
beer did what they r so good at doin and in due course of time i had to go to the
loo....i found my way to the restrms and as all of a sudden i felt like the villge guys
they show in movies, who come to the big cities and stare at unseen or unheard of
things, not knowing how to react or what to do. there were two toilet doors as in
most villages but what was written on them, caught me unawares. one had colts
written on it and the other had fillies on it!! i almost screamed, "for heavens
sake someone tell me where to go?". i waited there tryin to guess which door was
meant for guys. it was almost a minute as i stood staring at the doors wen a really
hot female came by, apparently for the same reasons as i. "Nature s SO NOT not
biased", i felt. to prevent myself from a potentialy embarassing situation, i
started itchin my eye as if some evil force was tryin to pull it out (m sorry to
all the smart guys readin this, but that s the best 'I' could muster at that point
to show that i had a valid reason to be standing outside the toilet doors!). Out of
courtesy, i guess, she asked me if i was fine, jus as i felt that she would end my
confusion by openin one of the doors. i wanted to do a "chance pe dance" and tell
her that i had somethin in my eye and expect her to blow it away.. at least out of
more courtesy. but u know what... sometimes u need serious balls to do things!! she
was too hot for me to even speak. but what i DID manage to see thru the eye, that
apparently did not itch, was the fact that even she was a newy to the place, and
was wonderin at which door to open. immediately i felt SO much better that i told
her that i was fine... now. she gave me the "which door?" look. i told her, with an
attitude that was cooler than the beer that i had jus consumed, and with a smile
that would make an ass bray, "'F' for females... so 'F' for fillies..." and
confidently opened the door that boldly read colts, jus horribly wishin that my
lucky stars were out and blessin me. As i went in, successful with my guess, i realized, that the fact that a colt s a
male horse, had crossed my mind wen i made that dumb statement and as i answered nature's call... a shiver went thru my body as the thought emerged
"what if it was 'C' for chicks.. and so 'C' for colts?"!!!! n then of course 'F'
would have stood for f****rs like me.